MY STRUGGLE WITH POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

 

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

Fighting Postpartum Depression

 

Making the decision to have a child- it is momentous. It is to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

– Elizabeth Stone

Reflection. It is good to reflect  on past experiences.  It helps you grow as a person.  I want to share with you my experiences with being a new first time mom and introduce you all to my son Porter.

Porter was born almost 2 years ago on August 16th. I loved kids, but the thought of having my own terrified me. I was well aware of how much responsibility it was going to be to hold the life of another human being in my hands and heart. I have always been scared of loss and all I could think about was the “what if”?  What if something happens and I lose my child? I literally felt and often still do, would I be able to make it? Would I be able to survive without him? As you can probably tell, I take motherhood very seriously. It was never something I was going to do just because it’s the “way of life”.  You know grow up, get married, have kids. It just wasn’t me. I needed a plan.  I needed to make sure I had everything prepared.  I needed to know that I would be able to provide the life a child deserves.  Then a surprise came that I was most certainly not prepared for at the time.

John and I had been dating for 4 months when I found out I was pregnant. That was the last thing I was ready for. Thankfully, above all, I was having a baby with the most sweetest, supportive, and understanding person I have ever met. Even with a devoted partner, financial stability, and a great home, I felt alone and miserable. I exercised almost daily, ate very healthy, and took all my vitamins. I had a horrible pregnancy, health wise. Porter was healthy, but I had an obstructed kidney and was in and out of the hospital the last six weeks before he was born, and even had surgery at thirty five weeks to put a stent from my kidney to my bladder. So painful!

There were times I was happy and I had no doubt about how much I loved the baby growing inside of me.  I was just crippled with fear not knowing if I was going to be good mom. It’s my job to take care of people and I still didn’t think I could emotionally handle the responsibility of caring for a human life that I loved more than my own.

 

After Porter was born I struggled with postpartum depression.

 

I didn’t want to say anything because I felt ashamed. I felt that if I admitted I was struggling it made me a bad mother. I was so focused on being perfect and doing everything right, I ended up taking out all the joy of learning to be a first time mom away from myself.  That is still sad to think about.

John talked me into going to the doctor. I refused for a long time thinking I would just snap out of it. When I would have a good day I would say, see?! I’m fine! I was so anti medicine! I hated the thought of taking a pill for an issue that I thought I should be able to fix on my own. It helped so much talking to a doctor that was also a new mom that reassured me that I was most certainly not crazy.  She explained that my hormones were completely out of wack, and just how normal everything I was feeling was. Thank God John was so patient and encouraging through everything

I now feel like my normal self. Still overly worried about everything but way better! My only advice is to not feel ashamed, don’t feel like a failure for asking for help. My doctor put it this way, if you break a bone you get it fixed. You wouldn’t hobble around smiling, acting like everything is fine. So when it comes to our minds, and spirits, don’t be ashamed to admit they are broken. Ask for help.

I hope this helps someone out there going through the same thing!  You are not alone.

 

Cherein Signature for Looks Like Rein

 

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12 Comments
  • Anonymous
    May 13, 2015

    What refreshing truth! I am not mother, I would never say I fully understand a mother’s challenges or concerns. I can say however, I have watched friends and family, women I look up to and respect be effected by PPD. The fact you speak truthfully from the heart will only be able to help others realize what they are feeling is normal and can be worked through.

  • Anonymous
    May 13, 2015

    So beautifully written. So proud of you for sharing your struggles and so proud of the mommy you are xoxo

  • h_thorp
    May 14, 2015

    This is a huge issue that for some reason is one of Americas’s little secrets. Such a great discussion!! I had PPD for a year and I had to be hospitalized for mental stability and I was so ashamed and still feel it looms over me. Thank you for writing about this! Your son is beautiful.

  • Cherein
    May 14, 2015

    Thank you Heather!!

  • Cherein
    May 14, 2015

    Thank you so much! That means a lot to me!

  • Cherein
    May 14, 2015

    It felt great to write! I really do hope it helps someone! Thank you for such nice words!

    Cherein

  • Lisa
    May 14, 2015

    There is strength in exposing weakness.
    I’m very proud of you for sharing.
    I love you 🙂

  • saralookbook.blogspot.com
    May 15, 2015

    WOWWWW prettyyyyyy !!! 🙂

    saralookbook.blogspot.com

  • Cherein
    May 15, 2015

    Thank you Mom! Love you too!

  • Cherein
    May 15, 2015

    awww Thank you Sara!

  • Siffat Haider
    May 18, 2015

    It’s nice to read such an honest post. It’s so hard to find when people are prone to exposing only the best part of their lives on the internet. You have such a beautiful family.
    xo
    Siffat
    icingandglitter.wordpress.com

  • Cherein
    May 18, 2015

    That means a lot! It is scary to let people into the bad parts of your life, but once you do it is so rewarding!

    Look forward to following your blog more! Thank you for the love!

    xo
    Cherein

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